Intentional Beginnings: Mindful Practices to Close the Year and Welcome the New

Join me in this solo episode where first, I make a very special announcement.

Then, I reflect on the holiday season and ask you to consider what the holiday season means to you.

I also speak about mindfulness and introduce three techniques that can help you deal with stress during the holidays and beyond.

Finally,  I introduce some Danish words that can help you to avoid overextending yourself and deal with minor inconveniences during the holidays.

Articles discussed in this episode:
Shattell, M. & Johnson, A. (2017). Three simple mindfulness to manage holiday stress. Journal of Psychosocial Nursing & Mental Health Services. Vol 55 (12). 2-4.

Helweg-Larsen, M. (2022). How to deal with holiday stress, Danish-style. The Conversation U.S. Boston. 06 Dec 2022. 

Thanks for listening! If you are a soon-to-be or current parent of multiples, be sure to head over to my website http://www.fiercekindmama.com to get my FREE resources designed specifically for you!

Be sure to follow me on Instagram and Facebook too.

Credits:
Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/aylex/with-you
License code: YLMJTQCPKRANEOVB

Transcript

Welcome to the Season 2 Finale. 

Before we get started, I wanted to share with you some exciting news. My online program for parents of multiples is now available. 

This program would be ideal for you if you are either a soon-to-be parent who wants to emotionally prepare for the journey ahead or if you are a current parent of multiples who wants to learn better ways of coping with the many stressors that we as parents of multiples face.

This program is unique in that it is tailored specifically for parents of multiples like yourself. I don’t know how many times I’ve spoken with parents who attend antenatal programs, post-birth parenting classes or simply seek out professional advice and report back that they felt that a lot of the material discussed or the advice given wasn’t relevant to parenting multiples. 

So, I crafted a program unlike anything I’ve come across before. 

In this program, you will learn my C.A.L.M model of parenting to help you deal with any parenting stressors you might encounter. 

This program will help you to deal more effectively with your own emotions and the daily stressors of raising multiples so that you can be calmer and more connected to your children, enjoying the season of life you are in, creating more lasting, positive family memories and being the type of parent you are most proud to be. 

I invite you to head over to my website www.fiercekindmama.com click on the Services tab and scroll down to the online program to find out more

If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact me at hello@fiercekindmama.com

Now, this recording is going out on the 27th of December and I know for many of you listening December is a big month.

There are various religious holidays and observances in December including but not limited to Hanukkah, Christmas, and Bodhi Day that are associated with Judaism, Christianity, and Buddhism, respectively. 

And at the same time, I know that many of you listening may not follow any particular religion, but December for you may represent a time where you spend time with family, socialise, exchange gifts and basically celebrate and maybe even eat or drink a little more than you think you should. 

At this time of year, I often hear some similar stories from parents. 

I hear about parents feeling under the pump at work to get everything done and wrap up loose ends before the holidays so that they can then relax and have some time off with their families and friends.

I hear about parents struggling financially to pay for all the gifts and other expenses that are often associated with this time of year.

I hear about parents who are spending a lot of time and energy planning the holiday season. 

I hear about parents who are searching for bargains and trying to find the perfect gifts for their loved ones, particularly their kids, so that everyone will be happy and have fun. 

I hear about parents spending a lot of time preparing food and meals for parties or family gatherings. 

And while the holidays can be pleasant and enjoyable for some, that isn’t always how it pans out.

There is no doubt in my mind, and I am sure you would agree that this time of year can be really, really, stressful too.

In this episode, I am going to explore the holiday season from the perspective of the overworked, underpaid primary caregiver. 

So, buckle up because I may just get a bit “ranty.”

The first thing I want to you to consider while we are having this conversation is what do the holidays mean to you?

What are your earliest memories of this time of year?

For some of you, the holidays may represent as we said earlier a sacred time – it might represent something holy – like the birth of a religious leader – or something special like a spiritual awakening or a miracle. 

Many of you may have memories of going to a church or a temple and participating in various religious festivities. 

These may have been activities you enjoyed and embraced, or they may be activities that you feel or that you felt pressured to participate in and now as an adult, you may have little to no connection with them.

For some of you, the holidays may have very little to do with organised religion and more to do with spending time with your relatives, and friends, exchanging gifts and taking time off work or school. 

And while some of the memories that you have around this time of year may be positive, it is equally likely that you have some negative memories too. 

For many people, this time of year can bring back old wounds. 

I’ve seen adults associate this time of year with difficult family dynamics, lots of arguments sometimes even fuelled by alcohol. 

Some have had to navigate splitting time between two or more homes in the case of households where parents are separated or divorced and sometimes this can cause all sorts of issues if not handled well by the adult caregivers. 

I’ve also seen intact families that work super hard at creating what they think will be special memories only to be disappointed that their hard work was not appreciated or that things didn’t go according to plan. 

I’ve seen many adults stress about having to quote on quote perform at social events and worry about what they will say or how these social interactions will go. 

I’ve seen kids get very focused on all the traditions and basically burst out of their seams with excitement. 

But then also get super stressed and tired too. 

We do sometimes see little kids, in particular, at this time of year really struggle to deal effectively with their emotions. 

And more often than not women and in particular mothers, take on or are given, additional responsibilities at this time of year in order to ensure that the holiday season is perfect for everyone.

As I say this out loud, I must admit that I actually get a visceral reaction – I feel weighted down by those words because what many women and mothers, in particular, come to experience is that all their efforts to make the holiday season special and joyful can sometimes actually bring out the worst in them and in their families. 

If you follow me on social media, you’ll see that I’ve been posting over the month of December a 30-day affirmation challenge for parents of multiples. 

And I decided to do this for a couple of reasons.

I notice that my own stress levels run higher at this time of year because I do feel a lot of pressure to make the holiday season fun and special for my kids. 

Some of that is definitely self-imposed but part of it is also a reaction to my own kids’ wishes and desires. 

They express wanting to do certain things. 

They express wanting to receive certain gifts and also at times displaying real sadness at the thought of not getting the gifts they want. 

And while I’ve had all the preparatory conversations leading up to this time of year in terms of what they can realistically expect in terms of gifts, I also know that there will be real disappointment. 

And it can be hard as a parent to not try and do all the things that you know will make your kids happy. 

But I also know that trying to create the perfect holiday season is unrealistic too. 

So, I decided earlier this month that I was going to remind myself of what type of parent and role model I wanted to be. 

And that is how the 30-day parenting affirmation challenge idea was born.

It was my hope that other parents would find some comfort in reflecting on what the holidays mean to them, what values they wanted to embody this holiday season and what they wanted this holiday season to feel like 

I know that it certainly helped me to pay attention and be more mindful of when my own stress levels were rising. 

I remember one night, and I actually mention this example in one of my social media posts too in case you saw it.

On this particular occasion, I was alone with my kids for the most of the day because my partner was unwell and one of my sons in particular was putting a lot of pressure on me to take him and his brother out and do something fun

It turned out that we had a Christmas celebration to attend in the morning which we did, and it wasn’t particularly close to home. 

And I did struggle to find the venue initially because I couldn’t enter the address in my GPS – it just didn’t exist – The GPS in that particular car was clearly outdated. 

So, I remember feeling on edge because one of my sons started getting upset at the thought of potentially missing out on this particular event. 

Anyway, by the time we got there, played for a couple of hours and then drove all the way home, I was feeling pretty done. 

I really wanted to rest. 

But again, one of my sons wanted me to take him out to play footy – to play sports at the park. 

Now, of course in the meantime, I had also gone to the supermarket to pick up some groceries and cooked dinner and made their lunches, - the kids’ lunches for school the next day. So, it’s not like I had the opportunity to rest in the 2 hours that we had been home.

But I also thought being outdoors might help make me feel better too so I reluctantly agreed to take the kids to the park that night. 

And by the time we got home, it was pretty much time to get ready for bed.

But by this time, the tension from the day was rising and I found myself feeling frustrated that my kids were taking so long to get ready for bed.

At one point, one of my sons said to me, “why are you yelling at me?” when I asked him to brush his teeth for the third time. That made me stop and think. 

I told him that I understood that it was hard for him to remember everything that needed to get done before bed and it was for me to have to remind him every night which made me frustrated. 

I asked him to remind me when I was no longer being patient with him. 

And so I use that example to bring back to my conscious awareness of the type of parent I want to be and it not only became a source of inspiration for the affirmation challenge that I posted on that day on social media, but it became a much-needed reminder of what I need to do when my stress levels are running high, particularly during this busy time of year.

Speaking of slowing down, I recently came across a wonderful article by Mona Shattell and Angela Johnson in the Journal of Psychosocial Nursing & Mental Health Services -I’ll actually put the reference in the show notes in case you are interested. 

They basically describe three mindfulness practices to deal with holiday stress.

You’ve probably heard the word “mindfulness” before but in case you aren’t familiar with what it is, mindfulness is essentially an evidence-based practice that helps us be more present and connected to what is happening right now, moment-to-moment, and to be with whatever is coming up from a place of curiosity, openness, and non-judgment. 

The reason this is important is because the research shows that we tend to spend a lot of time caught up in fretting about the future or ruminating about the past.

In other words, we spend a lot of time thinking negatively and this can get in the way of us living life fully as it’s happening. 

We lose sight of what is really going on around us. 

In fact, one could argue that we feel more disconnected from others and alone when we are not fully present in the moment.

When we practice mindfulness, we may find that we can connect with others more easily in a way that is healthy and more enjoyable. 

So, Mona Shattell and Angela Johnson they offer three simple ways of being more mindful this holiday season. 

The first is mindful walking.

So, let’s say you are in the shops fighting the crowds looking for that special gift and you find yourself on edge because it’s taking a lot longer than you anticipated and you find yourself getting worked up and maybe even irritated.

Here, you could consider slowing down by stopping in place and connecting with your breath.

In other words, stop and take three or four slow, controlled breaths.

Then, start to move slowly noticing your feet connecting to the ground. 

See if you can notice how your feet feel in your shoes.

See if you can notice how your clothes feel on your skin. 

See if you can pay attention to your gait and how your trunk, the abdomen and chest area feel as you breathe and walk at the same time. 

If you notice your mind wandering, gently bring your awareness back to the movement of your body. 

Do this for as long as it is comfortable. And you’ll probably find that with practice, you can do it for longer and longer.  

Research shows that mindful walking is associated with less stress and greater quality of life. 

So, I encourage you to practice this. Now I know the holiday season might feel like it’s over for you. You might not be fighting crowds looking for gifts anymore. But you might find this exercise useful at other times like even shopping at the supermarket on a busy day. 

So next up is mindful breathing. 

The beauty of this exercise is that it can be done anytime, anywhere. 

You might find it particularly potent when you are with others this holiday season and you are feeling annoyed or irritated. 

In fact, holiday celebrations often mean that we are surrounded by more people than usual. 

This may make the holiday season more enjoyable for some but for others, a lot of social contact with a lot of different people is actually quite stressful. 

So, no matter where you are or who you are with, you can practice mindful breathing.

Now, mindful breathing is not about changing the way you breathe. 

It’s not prescriptive in that you need to exhale for a certain amount of time and pause for a specified amount of time between each breath. 

Rather, mindful breathing is about simply noticing the sensations of your breathing one breath at a time. 

You might want to try it right now. 

Find a comfortable seated position. 

Feel your feet firmly planted on the ground. 

Seat up so your spine is straight but not too rigid or tense. 

Soften your belly and notice your breath. 

You might notice the air is cooler when you inhale and warmer as you exhale. 

You might notice the rise and fall of your chest, your belly or both. 

To maintain focus on your breath, you might want to say something to yourself like “in” and “out” as you inhale and exhale. 

Again, your mind might wander and get distracted. 

That’s ok. Just gently bring it back to the present moment. 

Do this for as long as it’s comfortable. And again, with practice you might be able to do it for longer and longer.  

Studies have shown that mindful breathing is associated with many benefits, including increased positive thinking. 

The final way to be more mindful this holiday season is what Mona Shattell and Angela Johnson refer to as mindful reflection. 

They describe this as paying attention to the good things of the day. 

They suggest each night taking time out to write down three good things that happened that day no matter how small. 

This might be someone holding the door open for you as you went into work. 

It might be the smile a stranger gave you as you walked past them. 

It might be receiving a card or a message from someone you haven’t seen for a long time and feeling joy and content at the thought of being remembered. 

As you sit and reflect on the memories of these events each night, see if you can really savour them as you vividly recall what happened. 

And then practice this in real time. 

In other words, see if you can spot moments of goodness, of contentment or satisfaction as they are happening, and really stop, pause, and savour the experience in the moment if you can. 

Research shows that this type of practice might increase happiness and reduce symptoms of depression. 

So, I encourage you to practice these three simple techniques regularly. 

I want to end this episode with some wonderful insights from a Danish Professor of Psychology, Marie Helweg-Larsen who published an article in The Conversation – I believe it was last year. 

She highlighted some cultural practices from the Danes who despite enduring very cold and gloomy winters, are considered to be one of the happiest groups of people in the world. 

In the article, she talks about the Danish word “overskud” – and I am not sure if I am pronouncing that correctly but roughly translated into English it means excess. 

She mentions that having overskud is generally considered a good thing because it describes the person who might go the extra mile to accomplish something or help someone, for example. 

But of course, if we are constantly going above and beyond, we might find the unintended consequence is that we are burned out – burnt out - or exhausted. 

So, she says the Danes have an expression where if they are feeling under the pump, they might tell someone they don’t have enough overskud to meet up for drinks after work. 

They might also use the word like a verb and say that they cannot “overskue” something – like plan a holiday event. 

In a sense, they are using this word to maintain a boundary without coming across as rude or hurtful. And she goes on to say in her article that there is an unspoken understanding amongst the Danes that when someone uses the word overskue or overskud to say “No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that,” that it’s not meant to be personal. 

So, I absolutely love this idea because we could probably do a whole other episode on boundaries but one thing I know to be true is that those of us, who want to please everyone and make sure no one will be disappointed or angry with us, we have a tendency to go above and beyond – to overskue something. 

We feel the pressure to make things perfect and even when we really want to say no, we tend to feel guilty about that. 

It takes a lot of bravery and kindness to honour how you feel and to say no. 

But the more you practice that, the more time and energy you will have to say yes to the things and people that really matter to you. 

There’s one more word the Danes have that Marie points out in her article and I want to mention it here. 

It’s pronounced “pid” and spelt “pyt.”

And she says it is essentially an expression meaning “oh well” or “stuff happens.”

It is supposed to be used in response to minor inconveniences or frustrations that we might experience daily and that we need to simply let go of because if we don’t, we run the risk of being miserable and angry. 

It is a way of accepting that things didn’t go according to plan, and at the same time embracing the fact that they can’t be changed. 

Someone might say in response to their own meal preparation, for example, “pyt, this cake doesn’t look anything like the picture in the recipe book, but it still tastes OK.” 

We know that if we have very high expectations of ourselves, that this is associated with less capacity to deal with daily stressors and if we can learn to accept imperfection as healthy and a normal part of life, we tend to feel less stress overall. 

If you find yourself annoyed this holiday season – if you have felt annoyed already maybe while standing in a huge cue at the shopping centre, for example, take a moment to remember the Danish word “pyt” and simply ask yourself if this hellish day you are having is really all that bad and more often than not, you’ll see that it is probably something that while yes it might be unpleasant, it will most definitely soon be forgotten. 

“Don’t sweat the small stuff” as Richard Carlson penned in his bestselling book of the same name which I think was published in the late 90’s from memory. 

So, nothing I’ve said here today is necessarily revolutionary, but I hope it’s given you something to ponder and reflect on as we come to the end of 2023. 

I’d love to hear from you about what you’d like to learn more about in 2024. I am planning on doing more solo episodes next year and I’d love to know what you might be struggling with or what topics interest you. 

Also, if you have any ideas for guests that you’d like me to invite on the show, or maybe you or someone else you know, might like to be interviewed for the podcast, please don’t be shy. I would love to hear from you. Simply, send me an expression of interest by email at hello@fiercekindmama.com 

I am going to take a break from the podcast to honour the fact that it will be summer holidays here – it’s school holidays in Australia and my kids will need more of my time and energy. 

So, the podcast will return in early February. I believe the first day back will be Wednesday the 14th of February. 

And I just realised that for some of us that day represents another celebration – Valentine’s Day.

So, um my sincere hope is that wherever you are in the world right now, that you get some time to tune into what this holiday season has meant to you and what intention you want to set as you move into the New Year. 

It has been such a pleasure connecting with all my amazing guests and listeners this year.  

I wish you the most wonderful end to 2023 and here’s to a more mindful, connected 2024. 

Thank you so much for being here.  

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