Help! How do I get out of the house with newborn twins and a toddler on my own?!

Important annoucement
Sadly, the majority of multiple-birth parents report overwhelming exhaustion at some point in their parenting journey.

To help you with this, I've created a FREE, on-demand workshop that is available until the 28th of February, 2024 called Unwind and Thrive: 5 Simple Ways to Avoid Burnout as a Parent of Multiples.

Ideal for both soon-to-be and current parents of multiples. To sign up, head over to https://www.fiercekindmama.com/burnout

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In today's episode, I answer a listener's question, a scenario familiar to many parents of multiples— the challenge of managing newborn twins alongside a toddler. The listener writes about the difficulty of juggling multiple children, especially when leaving the house which feels like an overwhelming task.

In this episode, I address a number of topics including:

• the benefits of getting outside for you and your kids;
• the challenges and risks;
• what happens when our access to outdoor play is limited;
• practical tips for getting out and managing on your own;
• and how to embrace outdoor play in all sorts of weather conditions. 

Thanks for listening! If you are a soon-to-be or current parent of multiples, be sure to head over to my website http://www.fiercekindmama.com to get my FREE resources designed specifically for you!

Be sure to follow me on Instagram and Facebook too.

Credits:
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Transcript

Dr Cristina Cavezza

Welcome to the Fierce Kind Mama of Multiples podcast. This podcast is for anyone raising multiples, twins, triplets or more. I speak to inspiring parents of multiples who have healed from unexpected pregnancies and birthing experiences and who candidly share the highs and lows of raising multiples.

I also speak to the professionals that work with multiple birth families.

Together we cover the practicalities of raising more than one baby at a time, as well as enhancing the emotional wellbeing of caregivers and children alike.

Come join us as we laugh, cry and share our personal and professional wisdom on all things multiples. I'm your host Dr Cristina Cavezza, and I am a Fierce Kind Mama of Multiples.

Did you know that most studies comparing mental health outcomes in parents of multiples versus parents of singletons have found that parents of multiples tend to suffer more depression, anxiety, and stress?

Unfortunately, parental burnout and exhaustion is super common among us parents of twins, triplets or more.

That's why I'm so excited to announce my free workshop where I teach 5 simple strategies to avoid burnout as a parent of multiples. The best part is that this is a pre-recorded workshop that you can access anytime from anywhere.

You can sign up for free at www.fiercekindmama.com/burnout. The link will also be in the show notes for you too, so I encourage you to check it out and if you know anyone else who is a soon-to-be or current parent of multiples, please forward these details on to them too. 

The pre-recorded workshop will be available until midnight Australian time the 28th of February, which is tonight so I invite you to sign up now. I can't wait for you to check it out.

 For today’s episode, I thought I’d answer a question I received from a listener that I know will be pertinent to many of you listening. In fact, it is a question that I hear from many multiple-birth parents who also are caring for other children.

So, this listener writes:

“I have newborn twins and a toddler. I find juggling the babies with a toddler really tricky and getting out of the house is so difficult. Do you have any tips to manage this? I find by the time I feed and change the twins, and deal with any toddler meltdowns, that I am simply exhausted, and it seems easier just to stay at home.”

I want to make a few points here. 

It can seem easier to stay at home sometimes. I totally get that. 

I remember when my boys were babies and once, I was trying to get to my mother’s group, they were both unsettled, and I couldn’t figure out why.

I remember that I was rushing to try to get in them in the pram.

And in hindsight, I can recognise now that I was stressed.

And one started crying and I actually said out loud “well let’s just not bother going to mother’s group then.”

But I persisted with the plan because I really wanted to get out the house and I wanted some social connection.

It can be so isolating being a mother to young children and I know everyone differs with how much social interaction they crave but I certainly remember feeling very isolated at times and in need of some adult company. 

I share this story with you because I think it highlights a couple of things.

First, we all need to get out the house and being outdoors can do wonders for our mental and physical wellbeing as well as our children’s. 

Second, it can sometimes feel hard to get out of the house because we are actually rushing or getting in our own heads about how challenging it is. 

In other words, we aren’t in the right mindset and our kids pick up on our stress and it becomes a bit of a shit show pardon the language.

So, I thought I would answer the question I received from this listener in 2 to 3 parts. We will see how we go. 

The first thing I want to say is while I could just rattle off some tips for you, if you’ve been listening to my podcast for a while or you are familiar with my work, then you’ll know that I like to go well beyond giving practical tips and strategies because I think that everyone’s situation is unique; what works for my kids might not work for yours, right? I also think that there are plenty of places you can go online, for instance, there are lots of Facebook parenting groups out there or if you belong to a multiple birth association, you could ask other local parents what they do, and you are bound to get lots of advice. Sometimes you might find the advice really helpful. Sometimes you might find the advice is conflicting. Again, what works for one family might not work for yours. 

So, my approach tends to be let’s go beyond the practical tips and let’s look at this problem as if we were scientists exploring a new world. Let’s be curious and let’s examine with an inquisitive mind how we might begin solving this problem. 

So, I want to first talk about the importance of outdoor play for kids and parents. And specifically, I’m going to be referring to some research that has examined this very issue. 

And then I want to talk about the tips and tricks for getting out of the house with multiple kids. 

We know that outdoor play is associated with many benefits for children for their health and wellbeing and for their development.

Being able to play outside in larger environments where there is generally more space allows children to move more freely, to play and experiment with a wider range of materials, and to assert their personality.

When outdoor play takes place in a natural environment that is stimulating, we see benefits in terms of children’s motor and physical skills but also in their self-confidence.

Research has also shown that when children interact with nature in those early years, they tend to show more connectedness with nature and environmentally-friendly behaviour as they age.

In other words, they develop a greater appreciation and respect for nature and they take care of the environment better.

Outdoor play is not as popular though as it has been previously.

If we think about earlier generations, particularly where they didn’t have televisions or other screens, outdoor play was the norm and most kids were spending long periods of time outdoors. 

Of course, the way we live in terms of our homes have changed too.

We are living in more urban areas with lots of traffic so it can be really risky to leave young children to play on the streets by themselves.

Many parents feel uncomfortable leaving their children unsupervised to play so this inevitably means that if we want to get our kids out of the house more, then we need to be available to do that and to facilitate that. 

I understand that many parents are concerned about the risks. 

And I think we need to think about the age of our children when we are thinking about how much they need to be actively supervised when engaging in outdoor play.

So, I want to provide some information here from a body of research that specifically looked at this idea of outdoor play and the associated risks. 

In a systematic review conducted in 2015, where a group of researchers reviewed the literature, they looked at a group of 18 studies that were done in 8 different countries with approximately 50,000 participants.

7 studies looked at outdoor play where children could have gotten lost.

1 study looked at outdoor play involving great heights.

5 studies involved rough and tumble play.

5 studies examined risky play in supportive environments.

None of the studies looked at play that involved dangerous speed or tools. 

In those studies looking at outdoor play were children could have gotten lost, they found that independent mobility was positively related to physical activity. 

Children with higher independent mobility – in other words, their parents did not restrict their movements outdoors – those children tended to be more physically active later in life. 

There were also social benefits in that those children who had more independent mobility – so those children whose parents did not restrict their movement outdoors - tended to play more with their peers both within and outside the family, with other neighbourhood kids and with school mates later on.

There was also no association between the height of playground equipment and injuries in children. 

In other words, children who played at great heights were not necessarily at greater risk of injury.

Overall, children who engaged in rough and tumble play were not at increased risk of aggression.

Outdoor environments that support risky play generally led to more physical activity in children, less sedentary behaviour overall, and there was some indication that these environments promoted healthy social interaction, creativity and resilience in children. 

So, at the very least if you want your kids to not sit on the couch all day when they are older, then you could argue here that outdoor play sets them up for success. 

It will help them be more active and social.

Now the majority of these studies looked at school-aged kids above the age of 7.

So, when we are talking about younger kids like newborn twins and a toddler like the listener who submitted the question then we obviously are talking about the need for more parental monitoring and active supervision. 

And I don’t want to minimise the risks for younger children. 

I know first hand what can happen when you are on your own managing more than one young child at the playground. 

In fact, I can think of two personal examples where one of my twins sustained an injury on two separate occasions when I was on my own looking after the two of them at the playground.

So, the first time my boys were about 2 years old. 

And one of my sons can be quite adventurous. 

I was with both of them at the playground on the see saw or some of you might know it as a  teeter totter. 

I had one boy at one end and I was talking to him and my other son who can be quite adventurous happened to be at the other end. 

We were singing and bouncing up and down and for some reason my son who tends to be quite adventurous decided to just jump off. 

But he was at the highest point when he did. 

And he started screaming and crying when he fell.

I ran to him as quickly as I could and tried to console him but he was really sad and I didn’t actually think that he could have fractured or broken anything because when I was holding him, he wasn’t saying that he was in pain. 

I didn’t actually think the fall looked that bad but he was crying and so I told my other son that it was probably best if we left the park and I proceeded to put them both back in the pram. 

And of course, my son who hadn’t fallen started crying because he didn’t want to leave the park.

And so there I was walking both of them home with both of them screaming and crying very loudly.

When we got home, my son who had fallen seemed ok. 

He was happy playing on the floor with his toys.

So, I decided that I would get dinner on because my partner was going to be home from work soon. 

My son who had fallen ate his dinner ok. He did mention to my partner that he had a fall at the park but overall he seemed calm and ok and he actually slept well that night without needing any additional comfort. 

It really wasn’t until the next day that I had noticed he didn’t want to walk around the house. 

And I asked him if he was in pain and he just said he wanted to be carried. 

Now obviously I wasn’t going to get very far having to carry a nearly two-year old around all day so I decided it was worth taking him to the doctor to see if everything was alright. 

When we got to the doctor’s office, he asked me to crouch down on the floor with open arms and ask my son to walk towards me and sure enough, I will never forget the look on my son’s face that initially he was smiling and ready to walk towards me and get a hug but as soon as he was weight bearing, the look on his face of pain, he simply fell to the ground and started crying and my heart was literally bleeding. 

So, we ended up getting an x ray and yes, he had fractured a bone and he needed a full length cast on that leg for approximately six weeks. 

He was such a trooper and within days, he was already walking around on the cast and getting his mobility back.

I’m also reminded of another time at a different playground when my boys were a bit older, they were probably at this stage maybe 3 or 4 years old. 

Where my son, the one who I said is quite adventurous had another accident. 

I was again there on my own playing with them and supervising them.

One of my sons was off in the sandpit and the other was playing on a piece of equipment that was like a tractor with these big steel wheels for kids to pretend that there were driving the tractor.

Now at one point, my mom from Canada rang so I picked up and sure enough within minutes of that conversation with my attention slightly occupied on my mom, I heard a scream and then a cry and I quickly told my mom I had to go and hung up the call and went to see what was the matter. 

And one of my son’s who was climbing the tractor had slipped and hit his head on the steel wheel and it was bleeding quite badly.

So I promptly gathered my boys and all our stuff and I was “umming and aahing” about whether to take him to the hospital which was a fair ways away or if I could just take him to the local doctor that had a nurses surgery on site. 

Because I wasn’t sure if we’d have a long wait in hospital in addition to the time it would take to actually get there.

And I also wasn’t sure if he needed stitches or whether it could be glued.

I decided to take him to the local doctor.

Luckily, the local doctor was able to see him and yes, it only needed to be glued. 

But he does still have a visible scar on his forehead.

So, I share these stories with you not to scare you or deter you from going outdoors on your own with your kids but yes, I acknowledge that accidents can happen and if you have more than one child to monitor, it can absolutely be tricky particularly if your twins and other children are anything like mine and they like to play in completely different parts of the playground sometimes.

But I still think given what we know about the benefits of outdoor play, including risky outdoor play, as well as when we couple that with what minor accidents teach our kids and us about our own and their resilience, I think the benefits usually outweigh the risks.

Because going back to my personal examples, even though my son fractured a leg and has a visible scar on his forehead, he survived those accidents and learned a lot about his own body and capabilities, and his determination to keep on going even when things get rough.

In fact, he is quite persistent with his goals – when he wants to achieve something, he tends to persevere even when he finds it hard.

And he is the first one to tell me things like mum, just tell yourself you’ll be able to do it, and then you can do it. 

A perfect example of this is when we went to our local park to shoot some hoops and I haven’t played basketball in years and he was like mum, I want to see you shoot from the free-throw line.

And I was like uh I probably can’t do that but I’ll try. 

And his reply was mum tell yourself you can do it, and then you can do it.

So, I was like okay I’ll try but admittedly my initial reaction was like yeah, ok if only it was that easy. 

And as luck would have it, I took a few breaths and told myself I can do this, and sure enough it went in much to my surprise and my son smiled and simply said see mom, you can do it if you tell yourself you can do it.

And I really admire that about him – that real confidence he has in himself – and look I’m not 100% sure where he got that from but I like to think that engaging in some independent, risky but supportive play particularly outdoors, has helped him develop that aspect of his personality. 

And you may be wondering about my other son and his propensity for risky play.

It’s interesting because my other son I would say does appear to be much more cautious.

He kind of likes to sit back and see how others go before he will have a go.

Sometimes, he will actually watch his twin brother do something and then he’ll check in with his brother to see if it was hard or easy before he’ll give it a go. 

I love that he takes a considered, cautious approach to things too because I think that sometimes that’s a real strength. 

I’m thinking of the teenage years, in particular, where maybe being more cautious and less of a risk-taker might be a good thing.

But getting back to the benefits of outdoor play, I think it can be helpful to look at what happens when our ability to play outdoors is limited.

And the best most recent example I can think of there is the pandemic. 

I know many people probably don’t want to revisit the restrictions that were brought on by the pandemic. 

But nonetheless, we can see the effects of our mobility being limited.

Here where I am based in Victoria, Australia we were under very strict lockdown conditions for a prolonged period for good reason.

But I remember the playgrounds being closed for quite awhile and it felt so surreal and really unhealthy too to be playing 100% at home without access to the beautiful parks and playgrounds that surround us. 

There was a study published in 2023 I believe that looked at play as a method to reduce stress in children in the context of the pandemic. 

They reviewed nine studies published during the pandemic and they found not surprisingly I suppose that isolation and restrictions on play increased the levels of stress seen in children. 

And they concluded that play and in particular outdoor physical activity is one of the best possible strategies for reducing stress. 

And we know from the literature that this finding applies to adults too.

It’s just as important for your mental health as the adult caregiver to move your body and get outdoors.

But not all outdoor spaces are created equal.

Many studies have shown the benefits of what we would call green space – so those natural surroundings, like parks where there is access to trees and viewing wildlife and as much as possible, clean, unpolluted air. 

And I am aware that unfortunately, many people depending on where you live and what you have available to you, you may not be in close proximity to a lot of natural green space. 

But as much as possible, if you can get outdoors and even walk around your neighbourhood where you may see some flowers or plants, and some birds – you know even that can often be better than staying indoors.

And we know that greenspace is associated with many positive health outcomes, including less chance of being overweight, and lower odds of developing cardiovascular disease and cancer. 

A systematic review looking at the mental health benefits of nature on teenagers and children as young as 9 months old found a positive relationship between nature and emotional well-being.

So kids who spent more time in nature, tended to fare better on outcomes related to their emotional well-being. 

Most studies found that interacting with nature led to less stress in children and teenagers. 

Those kids who participated in some type of outdoor adventure programming tended to have improved coping skills, were more comfortable interacting with other people, and were better able to manage their emotions when upset.

One thing that I have found is when young children are upset, it can help to lighten everyone’s mood when we take the play outdoors or when we switch to an outdoor activity.

For the listener who has a toddler and newborn twins, I would suggest that the toddler, in particular, would benefit from as much outdoor play as possible while you are busy attending to the babies because not only will this keep the toddler occupied but it will also help them manage their emotions better. 

Now how do we actually get out of the house?

It’s all well and good to say here are all the benefits of outdoor play, here are some of the risks but overall the benefits outweigh the risks. 

How do I actually co-ordinate myself and small children, particularly when I am on my own?

The first thing I will say is be prepared for things to not always go according to plan. 

I think the worst feeling I had when my boys were little was the excitement I would have about the possibility of catching up with a friend at a park while my boys played with other children and I could have that much needed adult conversation or even that much needed time walking outdoors, breathing fresh air and simply enjoying some time out of the house. 

And then I’d have to make the dreaded phone call, oh my kids are sick – we can’t make it. 

You never know when making plans with young kids whether you’ll have to pivot or cancel outings all together.

So be prepared mentally for things not always going the way you may have anticipated or hoped. 

I think that’s the first tip.

I also think that sometimes unfortunately as multiple birth parents we may not be able to do some activities in the same way that other parents do.

Here, I am thinking back to when I first had my boys and they were newborns.

The local council arranges mothers groups where you can meet up with other mums that live in the same area as you who have also just recently had a baby. 

And my mothers group was amazing. 

I absolutely loved all the women and that sense of community. 

Unfortunately, though I was the only one with twins.

And I started to miss out on outings and activities because once our meetings finished at the office of our local maternal child health nurse, the women started organising catch ups at cafes or other outdoor venues.

But at this stage, I was still trying to establish breastfeeding and I could only comfortably do that with my big breastfeeding pillow and essentially I had my top off as well. 

And I just didn’t feel comfortable navigating all of that out in public. 

I was a first-time mum and was basically fumbling my way through. 

In hindsight, I probably could have worked something out but at the time it felt really difficult.

The other thing that my mother’s group started doing was swimming classes together. 

And unfortunately, this was an activity that I could simply not partake in because the rules were 1 adult to 1 baby and while my partner was at work all day, that meant that unless I could find an adult helper who was willing to go into the water with me, that I was simply not allowed to do that particular activity with my mothers group.

So, I think something to keep in mind when you are having multiples is that you may miss out on certain activities, but you can replace them with other activities. 

So that’s the 2nd tip really is to accept that there may be some activities you simply can’t do on your own with multiple babies and other kids.

But that you can still be flexible and get out of the house if you are willing to get a little creative, to ask for help and to put in some additional effort or planning. 

That brings me to the next tip which is as much as possible, be organised with a change of clothes, diapers or nappies, and food.

If you have young multiples and you are exclusively breastfeeding, this can be easier if you are comfortable feeding them when out on your own. 

But it will depend on what position you feed them in and whether you can get into that position comfortably when you are out and about. 

Many women do it, so it is absolutely possible. 

I’ve seen some mothers who feed their babies individually for this reason and if the babies are hungry at the same time, then they may enlist the support of a helper to bottle feed one or more babies while breastfeeding one or two and then swapping. 

If your babies are bottle fed some or all of the time, then you will need to think about whether you take them out in between feeds or whether you want to bring expressed breast milk or formula with you on the outing. 

This is absolutely doable but of course, if your babies are really little and can’t yet hold their own bottles, then you need to consider how you are going to feed them both at the same time, particularly if you are running around with other children. 

What I would suggest if like the listener you have a toddler and newborn twins, you might ask the toddler to help you feed if you are using bottles and that way you are supervising all three children at once. 

Of course, one of the easiest things to do is to enlist the support of a helper whether that be a friend you meet up with at a park or playground, another parent or a family member. 

But I know for many of you that isn’t always possible because you may not have anyone who lives nearby who can help you on a regular basis. 

I know for myself I really had to work on my confidence in managing both babies on my own when out. 

And I would suggest starting small. 

Take your babies for a walk to a local park.

If you have an enclosed playground near you, then utilise that so the toddler can run around while the babies hang out in the pram or the stroller.

Remembering that it doesn’t have to be an all-day affair in those early months for the babies. 

It can literally be just one outing a day in between feeds if that’s all you can manage. 

But I would say if you do have other children, like the listener with the toddler and newborn twins, then it is really important to try and get outside as much as you can because everyone will benefit from that. 

And if you are lucky enough to have some green space in your backyard, then absolutely start there. 

You don’t need to leave the house to be in nature if you already have a suitable outdoor environment at home.

The other thing I will say is don’t forget about your own comfort. 

Make sure you have something to eat for yourself or some access to food and water not only for the kids but for you too.

And if you need to drive, I know it can seem like a logistical nightmare packing the car with a bunch of supplies and the pram or stroller and getting everyone in their car seats when you are on your own. 

So what I would say here is keep an extra pram or stroller that lives in the boot or trunk of the car if you can so that way you aren’t having to remember to pack it. 

You might even want to keep an extra bag in the car that has extra clothes and nappies or diapers in it.

So that literally on the day all you need to remember to bring is your children and some food and drink.

If you can’t afford an extra pram or stroller for the car, then consider walking or you might want to pack the car the night before so that on a day where you know you want to go out in the car, you will already have that aspect organised the night before.

You can also absolutely prepare some food or snacks the night before too so that’s ready to go.

The bottles of expressed breast milk or formula will obviously need to be prepared closer to the time of the outing but the more prepared you are with the other stuff then the less you need to remember before you actually leave the house. 

What I will end on is sometimes people will tell you it gets easier as they get older. 

And I think that every stage of parenting has it challenges. 

I can remember when we lived in a 2-storey townhouse when my babies were little, and we didn’t have any green space -we didn’t have a backyard. 

It felt really hard.

If I wanted to go out in the car with them, I’d have to leave one in his cot upstairs crying because I was carrying the other down the stairs to the car and once he was strapped in, he would cry while I went to get his brother who was still in the cot upstairs crying. 

So, I remember I even tried carrying one in the baby carrier down the stairs with the other across my shoulder just so that I could carry them both down at the same time without them crying because I felt so bad about leaving them to cry like that.

But I quickly realised how hard that was too and not really that safe walking down winding stairs with two babies.

And obviously if you have more than 2 babies, this becomes almost impossible to carry them all together to the car down a flight of winding stairs.

It is much safer to do one at a time, making sure that the unsupervised babies are strapped down in a high chair or safely in their cots. 

But even though it sounds so hard, one of the advantages of getting out of the house with babies is that they can a bit more agreeable about the destination. 

Like I sometimes reminiscence about how easy it was if I felt like going for walk, I would just put both babies in the pram and off we went.

Now that my boys are school-aged, it can sometimes be much harder to get out the house because we have to negotiate what activities we all want to do. 

And my twins, like many other kids, don’t always agree on what they want to do and that lately has led to lots of tears and disappointment all around particularly if my partner and I want to spend some time walking together. 

We can’t yet leave the kids alone. 

They need to come with us but this has proven be to really challenging lately because one or both might not want to come and ironically what used to be the most simple outing with newborn twins, that is just going for a walk, has actually become the most difficult outing with school-aged twins.

So, while I no longer need to always pack extra clothes and I certainly don’t need to remember to bring the pram or stroller or any nappies or diapers, getting out of the house can still feel challenging at times. 

But I also know how important it is to my children’s wellbeing and my own too.

And I want to end the conversation by saying that we can get out of the house even if it’s not a beautiful, sunshiny day. 

I remember walking my boys in the pram when it was heavily raining nonstop.

I’m originally from Vancouver, Canada where it rains a lot so if you want to wait until it stops raining to get outside, you could very well be waiting a long, long time. 

Where I live now, I don’t have to contend with the snow. 

But depending on where you are listening from, you may be worried about taking your kids out in cold or wet weather. 

And what I will say to that, is make sure everyone is dressed as warmly as possible. 

There is apparently a Finnish saying that goes “There’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing”.

So if there is rain or snow where you are, then invest in some thermal socks, tops and/or pants, consider buying some waterproof pants and jackets, gumboots for jumping in puddles, mittens, gloves, scarves, headbands or earmuffs, any outfits designed for the snow can be good too – remember that layering is really important so that if you or the kids do get too hot, you can easily remove one or two layers. 

I would absolutely recommend too if you are walking with a pram or stroller in cold or wet weather to buy some rain shields to put over the pram to protect the babies from the chill and wind. 

If the weather is hot, you may also want to consider some sun shades for the pram or stroller that don’t keep it too hot in the pram but protect your babies from getting sunburned and then dressing the babies appropriately for that too. 

So, I know that there is a lot to think about when it comes to getting out of the house with multiple babies and other kids too. 

But my hope is that you will find it does become easier with practice and it can be so rewarding watching your kids play outdoors.

It is so good for their mental and physical wellbeing and for yours too.

Remembering that you need to play, move your body and socialise just as much as your kids do. 

I hope you’ve found something from today’s episode useful. 

And on that note, I think it’s about time for me to get off my chair and head on outside. 

If you have any questions you’d like me to answer on this podcast, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me at hello@fiercekindmama.com 

And if there’s any tips or tricks you think I’ve missed in this episode, please be sure to let me know.

As always, I love hearing from you. 

Take care and bye for now.