Season 3 Finale: Celebrating the Joys of Raising Multiples

Welcome to the Season Finale of the Fierce Kind Mama of Multiples podcast! 

In this special episode, I take a deep dive into the often-overlooked positive aspects of raising multiples. Inspired by an expectant mother's quest for uplifting stories about parenting twins, triplets or more, I shift the focus from the usual challenges to highlight five key benefits of being a parent to multiples.

You'll learn about the unique bond that can develop between multiple birth siblings, how being a multiple birth sibling can enhance social and empathy skills, and why parents of multiples often become more efficient and resilient. 

Drawing from my personal journey as a mother of twins and my professional expertise, I provide insights and observations that will leave you feeling inspired and empowered. Whether you're currently expecting or already navigating life with multiples, this episode offers a refreshing perspective on the incredible joys and rewards of raising more than one baby at a time.

Don't miss this heartwarming and enlightening season finale, and stay tuned for updates on the upcoming Season 4. Plus, discover how you can better manage the stressors of parenting with the Be Fierce Be Kind online program.

Resources Mentioned:

• Free guide for parents preparing for multiple births and free guide on managing stress and overwhelm: Fierce Kind Mama Free Resources
• Be Fierce Be Kind online program: Be Fierce Be Kind Program

Thank you for joining us this season! If you have any questions or feedback, please reach out. I look forward to connecting with you again in Season 4.

Thanks for listening! If you are a soon-to-be or current parent of multiples, be sure to head over to my website http://www.fiercekindmama.com to get my FREE resources designed specifically for you!

Be sure to follow me on Instagram and Facebook too.

Credits:
Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/aylex/with-you
License code: YLMJTQCPKRANEOVB

Transcript

Dr Cristina Cavezza

Welcome to the Fierce Kind Mama of Multiples podcast. This podcast is for anyone raising multiples, twins, triplets or more. I speak to inspiring parents of multiples who have healed from unexpected pregnancies and birthing experiences and who candidly share the highs and lows of raising multiples.

I also speak to the professionals that work with multiple birth families.

Together we cover the practicalities of raising more than one baby at a time, as well as enhancing the emotional wellbeing of caregivers and children alike.

Come join us as we laugh, cry and share our personal and professional wisdom on all things multiples. I'm your host Dr Cristina Cavezza, and I am a Fierce Kind Mama of Multiples.
 
 Welcome to today’s episode and the Season Finale. I am so glad you are here and that you’ve taken the time out of your busy schedule to tune in to today’s episode which I hope you are going to really love. I want to make a quick announcement before I continue and that is that given this is the last episode of Season 3, I want to let you know when I plan on coming back for Season 4. I will be taking a break from the podcast for a few weeks. At this stage, I plan to come back with the 4th season of the podcast on Wednesday the 14th of August. But there may need to be changes to that date so if you are on my mailing list, then you will be all across it because I often send my subscribers regular updates about the podcast. If you aren’t yet on my mailing list and would like to be simply head over to my website, the link is in the podcast show notes, and fill in the contact form. 

I also wanted to remind you know about a free resource I have available for those of you who are pregnant with multiples. 

If you want to learn more about how to be fully prepared for your multiple birth journey, then this guide is for you. In this guide, I take a holistic approach to help you prepare physically, financially, and emotionally. 

And if you know anyone else who might benefit from this guide, please tell them to head over to my website: www.fiercekindmama.com 

And click on the free resources tab. 

Before I dive into today’s topic, I wanted to briefly mention the inspiration for what I am going to cover today.

As you may know, if you’ve been listening to my podcast for a while I have previously volunteered for my local multiple birth association here in Australia and I love speaking with and connecting with other multiple-birth families. Because of my busy schedule I often don’t get to catch up with people in person, but I do try to pay attention to what multiple-birth parents in my community struggle with and want support with.

And in one of the parenting groups I belong to, an expectant mother who will remain anonymous asked the question: what are the positives of raising multiples? To give you a bit of context she said that she had tried to find positive birth experiences and post-birth stories of mothers and fathers raising twins, triplets or more but she noticed that a lot of what was out there was focused on the challenges and how hard it is. Now for her being currently pregnant and going through all the physical changes and discomfort that can come with that, the fact that she was only coming across what could best be described as negative information was having the unintended consequence of making her not enjoy the thought of becoming a parent to multiples. 

I was intrigued by this for a lot of reasons. The first thing I thought was she’s right. There is a lot of focus on the challenges of raising multiples and the struggles that come with having more than one baby at a time. In fact, when I read her comment, I thought that perhaps I and some of my guests on this podcast to date have also been focusing on some of the challenges and struggles that we face as parents of multiples, and I really haven’t explored all the amazing benefits that can come from being a parent to more than one baby at the same time. 

And I think that has been a huge oversight on my part and I want to thank this expectant mother for inspiring me and challenging me to think about all the wonderful, positive aspects of raising multiples. So that’s what this episode is going to cover. 

But first, I want to explain a little bit about why I think we sometimes spend more time thinking and speaking about the challenges and struggles from a psychological perspective. I also want to highlight that there can be real benefits for multiple-birth families in discussing the risks and challenges that they face on a daily basis because this helps to raise awareness. We can’t address a problem unless we first identify what the problem is. So, advocating for multiple-birth families and for additional support or resources inevitably means that we need to name the struggles. We need to give voice and recognition to any disparities or inequalities we face as a collective or as a community. We still represent a minority in terms of the general population of parents, but we are overrepresented when it comes to adverse outcomes. In order to improve our situation, we must acknowledge the difficulties we face and raise awareness in the broader community because arguably we cannot effect change without having that acknowledgement and awareness. 

I also think for good or bad it is characteristic of us as humans to focus on the negative. In fact, researchers often refer to this as the negativity bias. 

 Simply put, the negativity bias refers to this evolutionary adaption that we as humans seem to have adopted over time because being negative or more precisely being attuned to potential danger helped us survive and thrive as a species. If we let our guard down so to speak, we might miss spotting the predator in the bush and that obviously wouldn’t be good for our chances of surviving. 

Even though for most of us now, we don’t necessarily need to be on the lookout for predators in our everyday lives, our brains are still hardwired if you like to be on the lookout for potential problems.

In fact, I would say our brains generally love to find problems that need fixing and sometimes in people who might worry excessively, for example, we even go so far as to create problems in our mind that do not yet exist in reality. 

Have you ever had the experience of lying in bed at night and you just aren’t able to shut off your mind because you are running through all the potential scenarios that might happen the next day? Maybe you are mulling over a conversation or meeting you have the next day, or you are worried about some event coming up and what might happen when you get there. This is an example of how our minds tend to spend a lot of time detecting potential problems that might need fixing. The real problem though is that most of the time these “problems” haven’t actually materialised. 

If any of this is sounding familiar, please know that having negative thoughts is quite common and doesn’t necessarily indicate that there is something wrong with you. 

It’s when our thoughts interfere with our behaviour that we typically see more problems. 

Now you may be wondering what any of this has to do with the positives of raising multiples and I know it might not seem relevant, but I would argue that it is. 

I would argue that because of the way our brains have evolved, we often focus more on the negatives, the struggles, the challenges because these are the situations that cause us more discomfort, that make us want to solve the problem or to fix things.

Remember, most of us have minds that are on the lookout for potential problems because that’s what keeps us safe. We have learned from our evolutionary past, that we need to pay more attention to the bad stuff that could get us into trouble or be harmful to us. 

Hi there Fierce Kind Mama

Sorry to interrupt the discussion but I have something to share with you that I know you are going to love.

We are often told that parenting can be hard. 

And whether you are soon-to-be or current parent of multiples, there is going to come a time when you will probably feel stressed, overwhelmed, or even worried about the future.

That’s why I’ve developed a free guide for parents just like you with my 5 top tips for handling stress and overwhelm.  

You can download it now from my website www.fiercekindmama.com

 But there is plenty of research that shows the importance of looking at the good stuff. It’s important for our general wellbeing to find appreciation and gratitude in our everyday lives. In fact, people who are more grateful tend to experience more positive emotions and have better mental health outcomes.

So, I am all for us taking a closer look at some of the benefits of raising multiples. At the outset here, I want to say that I will be drawing here mostly from my personal and professional experiences in being a mother of twins myself and in supporting other parents of multiples. I had a hard time finding published research that specifically looked at the all the wonderful aspects of raising multiples from the perspective of being a parent. Again, I think that speaks to the fact that multiple births still represent the minority of births and so we are a hard population to research. I also think it speaks to the fact that a lot of research in general is focused on the negative aspects because as I said before it’s only when we give voice to those challenges, when we acknowledge them and make them visible, it’s only at that point where we can improve the situation and effect change. 

Ok, so with all that said let’s jump right into what I and others I have spoken with have said are the benefits of raising multiples. I am going to go through 5 key benefits. I am sure there are more, but these are the ones that I often hear about from other parents or have personally experienced. 

I will list these in no specific order meaning I am not intending that any of these are or should be deemed more important than the others. 

The first benefit that I can see, particularly for those families that may not have any other children, is that multiple birth siblings often become playmates and sometimes they develop a really close bond that is quite unique. I want to stress here that the bond is not a given. It isn’t always the case that multiples have this unbreakable bond and never fight or argue. I think any multiple-birth family will tell that that is a bit of a fairytale. But there is certainly something quite unique and remarkable about having shared experiences in utero and sometimes, this can lend itself to real advantages. There was a very interesting study done using data from the Danish Twin Registry and Human Mortality Database in 2016. They found that identical twin pairs showed a health protection effect or survival advantage when compared to non-identical twin pairs and the general Danish population. They argued that the often socially close relationship between identical twins helps to buffer them from stress which can lead to better survival outcomes, meaning they live longer.

Now I don’t want you listening to this and thinking oh no I’m having non-identical twins which means they’ll not have a strong bond, and they’ll die young. That’s your mind doing what all minds do – you are simply looking for a problem that might need fixing. I want to reassure you that this is one study and there are still many unanswered questions. What I really want you to take away from this first benefit, is that multiples do often report having a special relationship with one another that is different than the relationship they may have with their other siblings. Not better or worse, just different. And sometimes that can be protective. I’ve heard from families during the pandemic who had school-aged twins say that the one thing they were really grateful for during lockdown was that they had their co-twin at home to study and play with. So, yes even though it’s not a given I do see the potential close relationship with someone who has always been there, who has witnessed your struggles and is going through a similar stage of development as you, I see that as a definite benefit to having multiples in the family. 

Moving on to number 2, I think for some multiples we see that their social and empathy skills are enhanced. Growing up with a sibling of the same age means that from an early age, you have to share, learn to take turns, to negotiate and solve conflict. You could maybe argue that all siblings have to do this, but I think there is something different about having to learn this skill alongside someone who is the same age as you because if you have an older or younger sibling there is an inherent power imbalance. One of you is stronger, taller, maybe even more skilled, and assertive. Whereas when your sibling or siblings are the same age as you, that can mean that you are all on the same playing field- you are all at the same level. And yes, we sometimes hear people say that one multiple birth sibling is more dominant than the other. But I think again here we are looking for general benefits or trends that may or may not apply in your individual situation.  I think for the most part, many multiple birth siblings focus on fairness, justice, equality like wanting things to be the same. And that can have its drawbacks, but it also has its advantages. As I said, I think multiple birth siblings generally must learn to share, take turns, and negotiate a lot younger than other children do. 

The 3rd benefit I can see is that parents of multiple babies must become more efficient. There are only so many hours in a day and when you are caring for more than one baby, you quickly learn to be more organised, to prioritise and to multi-task like you never thought was possible. I think all parents do this to an extent, but I think as a multiple-birth parent it becomes so incredibly important for your survival and wellbeing as a family. 

This brings me to benefit #4. I think that sometimes having multiples can boost your confidence maybe not in the short-term but definitely in the long-term because you don’t realise how much you are capable of until you bring your babies home and overtime after you’ve nurtured and cared for your babies, and you witness them developing and maturing. Maybe they start crawling, walking, talking, or maybe it’s when they are much older and they start going to school and accomplish things, no matter how small, you can remind yourself that you played a part in that. It is a beautiful moment where you can be proud of your accomplishment as a parent for offering your multiples love and care and for seeing them develop and mature. 

And the fifth benefit that I can see that kind of leads on from #4 is that as a parent of multiples, I think you become more adaptive, more resilient, and perhaps even more flexible in your thinking. It’s funny because when I think back to my pregnancy journey and post-birth experience, which I’ve shared on this podcast before mostly in the first episode, I think that having multiples was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And that says a lot actually because I have had some real significant challenges in my life that I have overcome and struggled through but becoming a first-time mum to twins was life-changing. It has been the hardest yet most rewarding challenge. There is simply no other way to describe it. And if you know me on a personal level, you will know that I take my role as a parent very seriously. I see parenting as an immense and important responsibility. I want to show up as the best version of myself in every interaction with my kids. I know you probably want that too. I also know that that’s unrealistic and there are plenty of times where my actions haven’t aligned with the vision of the type of parent I want to be. I think that’s normal, but I also actively do a lot of reflecting and internal work to make sure that I am parenting in a way that aligns with my personal values. And I think in this way, parenting multiples has made me stronger, wiser, and has stretched me in ways that I hadn’t anticipated. If you listened to my very first episode where I talk about my reasons for starting this podcast, you will know that I was not one of those parents who was overjoyed at the thought of having twins. I was focused on the negatives and all of the risks, and I was quite worried about how I was going to cope once I brought my babies home. And of course, now I could not fathom what life would be like had I not had twins. Given my age at the time when I had my twins, it was unlikely that I’d have more children so I can’t even imagine what my situation would have been like if I didn’t have twins and I only had one child. I am so grateful for my boys, and I truly believe that having twins not only has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it has also been the absolute best experience of my life.

So, if you’ve been listening to my podcast for awhile, especially if you are currently pregnant, please know that it has never been my intention to make raising multiples seem undesirable or awful. My goal has always been to help parents with their parenting journey and to do that, we need to make visible the things that our society and broader culture tends to invisibilise and that’s the struggles and the challenges. I am here to help you with those challenges and to make your parenting journey even more fulfilling. I truly believe that when we as parents spend time focusing on our own wellbeing, particularly how we manage negative thoughts and feelings, we become better at teaching our children how to manage theirs. That’s why I do the work that I do. If you aren’t familiar with what I do, I create accessible, affordable online programs for busy parents just like you that can help you learn how to better manage the stressors of parenting so you can focus on more important things. And I bet for many of you, you simply want to create positive, lasting family memories and enjoy the season of life you are in. And I’m here to tell you that that is entirely possible and achievable with multiples. When you see your multiples develop their unique personality and identity, I think you may marvel at the distinct traits, interests, and quirks that each child shows and how their unique relationship develops, you might even think “wow, how lucky am I?”

For those of you listening who may be further along in your parenting journey, I’d love to hear if you have any other key benefits to raising multiples that I haven’t considered here today. 

And if you are currently pregnant or have young multiples at home, and you are anything like me, that is you tend to overthink things or worry about things that haven’t even happened yet, maybe you beat yourself up a bit or feel guilty when you think you’ve done something “wrong” and I say that with inverted commas. Or maybe sometimes you feel inadequate or like you aren’t good enough, strong enough, capable enough – we could fill in that blank with a number of different words, I’m sure. If any of this sounds familiar and you want to work on that aspect of yourself and in particular how it can affect your parenting, then I invite you to check out my self-paced online program called Be Fierce Be Kind. It was designed specifically for parents like yourself in mind. The Be Fierce Be Kind program and all of my programs in fact are available at my website www.fiercekindmama.com – and you’ll find them under the Services tab. Of course, if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I do personally respond to all emails and messages I receive. 

As always, thank you so much for being here and we’ll see you back here in August. Bye for now.  

 Thanks for listening to today's episode. If you'd like what you've heard, then please follow and leave a review so that other expectant and current parents of multiples like yourself can find this podcast and the valuable information it contains. I'd be so very grateful if you left a review and shared this with anyone you think could benefit from listening. If you have a particular topic you'd like me to cover on this podcast, feel free to reach out to me via my website: www.fiercekindmama.com 

New episodes are released every second Wednesday, so we’ll see you back here real soon. 

Any advice and information in this podcast is general only and has been prepared without taking into account your particular circumstances and needs. For tailored individualised advice, please consult with a qualified professional.