Avoid These 5 Costly Relationship Mistakes When Raising Twins, Triplets or More

Are you raising multiples and feeling the strain on your relationship? Or maybe you're expecting twins, triplets, or more and want to baby-proof your bond before the little ones arrive? Either way, this episode is for you.

In today’s episode, we’re peeling back the layers on some of the most common – and often overlooked – relationship pitfalls that parents of multiples experience. These mistakes are subtle yet powerful, and they have a way of sneaking into even the strongest partnerships, leaving both partners feeling disconnected, exhausted, or even resentful.

So, what are these five mistakes, and are you unknowingly making them? Tune in to find out as we break down each one and share practical tips to strengthen your connection, ease the load, and bring back that sense of partnership that may be slipping away.

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling unheard, unsupported, or just too drained to keep up, you’re not alone – and there are solutions. By the end of this episode, you’ll be equipped with insights and strategies to avoid these costly mistakes, paving the way for a happier, more harmonious family life.

Bonus Offer:
Don’t miss my Love Rekindled: Baby-Proofing Your Relationship with Multiples masterclass, where we dive even deeper into maintaining a strong partnership amidst the chaos of raising multiples. For those looking to invest in their relationship, this online workshop is packed with practical tools to help you stay connected and thrive together. 

You can find all the details here >>> https://www.fiercekindmama.com/baby-proofing-your-relationship-masterclass

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Listen now to learn what every parent of multiples needs to know to keep their relationship strong and fulfilling.

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Thanks for listening! If you are a soon-to-be or current parent of multiples, be sure to head over to my website http://www.fiercekindmama.com to get my FREE resources designed specifically for you!

Be sure to follow me on Instagram and Facebook too.

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Transcript

Avoid These 5 Costly Relationship Mistakes When Raising Twins, Triplets or More

Dr Cristina Cavezza

Welcome to the Fierce Kind Mama of Multiples podcast. This podcast is for anyone raising multiples, twins, triplets or more. I speak to inspiring parents of multiples who have healed from unexpected pregnancies and birthing experiences and who candidly share the highs and lows of raising multiples.

I also speak to the professionals that work with multiple birth families.

Together we cover the practicalities of raising more than one baby at a time, as well as enhancing the emotional wellbeing of caregivers and children alike.

Come join us as we laugh, cry and share our personal and professional wisdom on all things multiples. I'm your host Dr Cristina Cavezza, and I am a Fierce Kind Mama of Multiples.

Welcome to another episode of the Fierce, Kind Mama of Multiples Podcast. I'm your host, Dr Cristina Cavezza, and today I am going to share with you some personal and professional reflections I’ve made in terms of how raising multiples affects your relationship. This episode is particularly relevant to two groups of people: you might be currently pregnant with multiples, and you are in the information-gathering stage, or you might have already given birth and you are noticing that you or your partner are not completely satisfied with your relationship. Whichever category you fit into, I applaud you for seeking out this information because I think sometimes for reasons I’ll get into later, it's easier for us to sit back and do nothing to nurture and protect our relationship. I also hear about couples that get into some pretty unhelpful ways of communicating and supporting one another and that can quickly lead to disagreements, resentment and eventually relationship breakdown. My sincere hope is that you find this podcast episode early in in your parenting journey and that you take active steps to protect and work on your relationship because I see the romantic relationship that you are currently in as an investment in your family’s health and happiness. You can think of it as a muscle that needs to be worked otherwise it will atrophy and eventually fade away. And there may be times when you are too tired and depleted to work those muscles but it’s at those times especially that I want you to consider your future and the potential consequences of doing nothing. 

But before I dive into today’s content, just a quick reminder of a free resource I have available for those of who are pregnant with multiples. 

If you want to learn more about how to be fully prepared for your multiple birth journey, then this guide is for you. In this guide, I take a holistic approach to help you prepare physically, financially, and emotionally. 

And if you know anyone else who might benefit from this guide, please tell them to head over to my website: www.fiercekindmama.com 

And click on the free resources tab. 

Ok, let’s get started with the 5 biggest mistakes that I see couples with multiples make. And I want to highlight here that in addition to my online programs for parents of multiples, I am a psychologist and I have a solo private practice where I see clients online and face-to-face. I do not see couples for couples counselling, but I often have men and women come to me about difficulties with their romantic relationships. I also have personal experience with this topic because as you know if you’ve been listening to my podcast for awhile, I have twins and I am in a romantic relationship with the father of my children.  The strategies that I teach clients individually are ones that I’ve either used myself or that I have learned from the literature and in professional trainings led by experts in the field. So, I know firsthand the challenges that couples with multiples face and several of the people I’ve worked with or those that have bought my online program for couples which I’ll speak more about at the end, they’ve all said that these techniques have helped them. 

With all that being said, I’ll dive in with the 5 biggest mistakes that couples who are raising multiples make. These are not in any particular order by the way. In other words, none of these are more or less important than the other. They all can contribute to relationship problems.  

#1 is underestimating the effects of parenting multiples on your libido

We know from the research that a satisfying sexual relationship can fulfil some of our basic needs, namely for connection and physical intimacy. A satisfying sexual relationship can help us cope better with stress and this has both direct and indirect effects on our physical and mental health. So, couples who report a satisfying sexual relationship also tend to report better outcomes in terms of their physical and mental health. Now I know that some of you listening might be thinking: “what does a satisfying sexual relationship actually mean?” I’ve had some individuals come to me and complain that they are either not having enough physical intimacy or their partner wants sex more than they do right now. In this case then they always want to know how they can achieve a satisfying sexual relationship. The reality is that there is no benchmark here in that we aren’t aiming for a particular number of days a week or in the month that we have sex or physical intimacy. We are aiming for how satisfied you fill in all aspects of your relationship. Do you feel like your partner understands you, supports you, listens to you, is there for you when you need? Because when these aspects are present, we are more likely to want to be physically intimate with our partner. 

But what we often see even amongst the most connected couples is the transition to becoming a parent - in pregnancy and in the first year following birth – is the most vulnerable period for sexual wellbeing. This is because you are both undergoing massive changes biologically, psychologically, and relationally. Prior to having kids many parents report that they are confident their sex life will return to normal after the baby is born. Now we know for parents of multiples especially, the stressors of having more than one baby at a time are massive. The unfortunate reality for many couples with multiples is that they underestimate the likelihood that they will experience sexual problems. I’m not necessarily talking about physical problems like not being able to have an orgasm, for example, although that can certainly happen. I’m talking here more broadly about concerns like the lack of time and energy for sex, the differences between the couple in how much they desire sex, and the effects of a poorer body image after giving birth. Most of the literature on the sex lives of couples transitioning to parenthood has looked at overall sexual functioning, including sexual desire, arousal, orgasm, satisfaction and pain for women who have given birth. We know from this research that on average, sexual functioning improves over the first year postpartum. However, we also know that there is a lot of variability in new mothers’ sexual experiences. We also know relatively little about the patterns of change with respect to sexual functioning in the partners of women who have given birth. We know that couples do make changes to how they have sex particularly in pregnancy and during that first year postpartum. Most couples report a decline in vaginal intercourse during pregnancy and the majority of new parents resume vaginal intercourse by three months postpartum. But we also know that there is an increase in other types of sexual behaviours over the first 12 months of parenting and that these return to pre-pregnancy levels closer to 12 months. These sexual behaviours include oral and manual stimulation and masturbation. But again, while most parents do resume sexual activity, many don’t. What’s even more concerning is that despite the fact some couples return to having sex, this isn’t always associated with an increase in sexual desire or sexual satisfaction. The research shows that mothers tend to report a decline in sexual desire during pregnancy that continues to the postpartum period. While this gradually improves, it often doesn’t reach pre-pregnancy levels. The research on fathers is mixed. Some studies show no change for fathers whereas other studies show that fathers also tend to report a decline in sexual desire and satisfaction. 

We do know that one of the biggest problems that new parent couples face in terms of their sexual wellbeing is a discrepancy in sexual desire. This can lead to lower sexual and relationship satisfaction. 

Now you might be thinking well this doesn’t apply to me because we are not a new parent couple. We already have other children, so we know what to expect. 

But again the mistake I see many experienced parent couples make is underestimating how having multiples can strain even the strongest of relationships if you don’t prepare or have strategies in place to deal with the stressors of parenting multiples. 

This leads me to the second biggest mistake I see parents make and that is not having a plan for how you will maintain your bond once you bring your babies home.

#2 – Not having a plan

The reality is that most couples, my partnership included, do not fully prepare for the arrival of their babies. I remember having long conversations with my partner when I was pregnant about my fears and desires and we would share what we were afraid of and what we were looking forward to but to be honest, I don’t recall us ever discussing explicitly what we do to look after our relationship, what we were going to do to look after our relationship once we brought our babies home. I think we took it for granted that we’d be fine as a couple, and I think we were more focused on how we were going to manage our careers and two babies without any family support. And I’ve seen this mistake played out time and time again. I get it, I really do because I know that you love your partner and that they love you and when you are pregnant it’s all so exciting and scary too. But for the most part, you are preparing the house or if you have other children, you are busy caregiving and maybe even working outside of the home, so it doesn’t feel like a priority. In fact, you might even think it’s a non-issue. 

 But the research is pretty clear. The one thing that has consistently been shown to affect a couple’s satisfaction with their relationship and alter their dynamic, is the birth of their first child. When we throw multiple babies into the mix, this can often be more pronounced. 

In fact, I was speaking to another twin mother recently. She has school-age twins, and she was telling me that when she was pregnant, she was so busy preparing everything, finishing up everything at work so she could take a period of maternity leave, and she had absolutely no idea how much more exhausted and busier her and her partner were about to become after giving birth. She said she attended a bunch of antenatal classes and even some specific to multiple births. This particular mother is from the UK by the way. But despite all this planning, she did not realise in pregnancy how much becoming a twin parent would affect her relationship. 

When you become a parent, the dynamic between you and your partner does change and even if your multiples are not your first children, I believe there is nothing quite like having more than one newborn to care for to really alter the relationship dynamic. 

In my opinion, it isn’t enough to love your partner and to have faith that everything will be ok when you bring the babies home. 

Sometimes though I hear the opposite from parents. I hear them say things like I know it will be hard and that our relationship will suffer for a bit but when the kids get older, it will get easier, and we can find each other again. 

Well, I am going to be quite bold here and say that I disagree. 

I don’t believe you should wait to feel fulfilled in your relationship. 

I don’t believe you should lower your standards in terms of what you desire and need from your partner. 

And I certainly don’t believe you should wait to feel loved, noticed and cared for. 

I strongly believe that you can have a healthy, intimate and loving relationship with your partner now even when you aren’t getting enough sleep, and you feel like crap. 

But that won’t happen if you sit by and do nothing. 

It requires effort on your part as a couple to work on your relationship, ideally as early as possible. 

Ok, so moving on to the third mistake I see many couples make and that is not discussing your true feelings. 

#3 – Not discussing your true feelings

So, we’ve all heard that communication is key, but I am going to be quite bold here again and say that for most people, we don’t really learn how to communicate effectively when there is strong emotion involved. 

What do I mean by that? Basically, when you are angry, sad or upset about something what can happen is that you go round in round in your mind about the situation that is bothering you. You start to ruminate about it and what can easily happen here is that your mind wants to make sense of this problem. That’s absolutely normal. 

Your mind might detect a problem. Let’s say for example, that you notice your partner comes home from work and goes straight on their computer or phone instead of sitting down with you, giving you a hug or a kiss and asking about your day. You might be thinking to yourself “why is my partner not interested in me?” And this leads your mind to try and figure that out because in that moment you are feeling a range of emotions, possibly sadness, disappointment and maybe even anger. 

Now, what most minds do is then try and fill in the blanks. You ask yourself the question again “why is my partner not interested in talking to me right now?” Many people here will jump to conclusions and let their minds fill in the blanks with things like – “she no longer finds me attractive” – “he never makes time for me” – “they’ve been away all day at work and now they come home and ignore me, they are so selfish” and on and on our minds go. 

The reality is that your partner who has come home from work and gone straight to their phone or to have a shower probably has no idea how you feel and what you are thinking. 

I am going to ask you a simple question. Are you a mind reader? Can you genuinely tell what others are thinking?

I know some of us like to think we are really perceptive and in touch with what others are feeling or thinking but the truth is you cannot be certain what is fiction or fact when it comes to what your mind is telling you about someone else’s inner experience. 

In other words, you have to ask. You cannot assume that your interpretation of your partner’s behaviour is accurate. It doesn’t matter how well you know each other. Whatever your mind tells you is going on is just another thought. It doesn’t equal the truth. 

Now, one of the traps I see many people get into is that when they do start discussing a problem they have with their partner, they don’t actually discuss their true feelings. 

And this can be for a number of reasons. Usually, it has to do with feelings of shame or embarrassment. Sometimes, it can be because we are fearful of the response we might get. We don’t want to feel vulnerable and it can be really hard to open up with someone and tell them, for example, that when they come home and go straight to their phone without checking in on us, it makes us feel like we are being ignored and that they no longer love us. Admitting that we are worried that our partner no longer loves us can be really, really scary. 

But here’s the truth. Unless you say out loud, it remains a thought. And a thought is not fact. It will not resolve the problem if you do not seek to check in with your partner about your assumptions and interpretations. 

Another problem I see is that rather than talk about their feelings, many parents bury their feelings by eating or drinking more, by shopping online or scrolling on social media. Now if this sounds familiar, please know that I am not intending for you to feel bad about yourself. By pointing this out, it is absolutely not my intention that you feel judged or worse about yourself. What I do want you to do is to be really honest with yourself and start noticing when you do this because I can honestly tell you that I’ve observed and worked with a lot of people of all ages, and this is such a common phenomenon. 

No one wants to feel discomfort. Very few people actually seek out doing things or feelings things that are uncomfortable. We all have a tendency to want to avoid negative thoughts and feelings. While it’s all perfectly normal to do this, we have to recognise that the short-term relief we feel when we avoid talking about our feelings with our partner and eating a block of chocolate instead or drinking a glass of wine, or for some of us we engage in a healthy, adaptive strategy like we go for a run or out doing a social activity with our friends – and all of these what I will call avoidance strategies – even the ones that are generally, healthy and positive like exercise and socialising – if we are using these behaviours, the healthy and the not-so-healthy ones – if we are using them to avoid talking about what is really bothering us, then we do nothing in the long-term to improve our relationship. 

Hi there Fierce Kind Mama

Sorry to interrupt the discussion but I have something to share with you that I know you are going to love.

We are often told that parenting can be hard. 

And whether you are soon-to-be or current parent of multiples, there is going to come a time when you will probably feel stressed, overwhelmed, or even worried about the future.

That’s why I’ve developed a free guide for parents just like you with my 5 top tips for handling stress and overwhelm.  

You can download it now from my website www.fiercekindmama.com

So, if you are listening to this and you are thinking that makes some sense to Cristina, but I’ve never really learned how to discuss my feelings. Like when I was a kid and when I was upset, I wasn’t really given the opportunity to talk about how I felt. To me, it felt like my parents never understood me and they would simply buy me something or make me a hot drink or give me something to eat to feel better. I never really learned to talk about my most vulnerable thoughts and feelings and when I tried to do it with my friends, they would just go on about their own struggles and I felt like it was all a waste of time. It was easier to stuff it down or deal with things on my own because it never really felt like many people cared or had the time or the willingness to let me talk about my true feelings. 

Sadly, I hear some version of this from probably every client I have ever worked with. I experienced something similar to this growing up too. 

The sad truth is that most of us don’t get taught how to communicate our true feelings effectively. It is not surprise to me that you might be struggling with this. But let me ask you this question. If no one taught you to ride a bike or drive a car, why would you expect to be able to just know how to do it without some expert guidance?

You wouldn’t expect to know how to do a complex task without being given some direction or instruction. 

The same applies here. Most couples need some direction and guidance in learning how to communicate effectively and if you are thinking you could use some more expert advice, then stick around to the end because I do have something to offer that might help you. 

For now, I want to move on to the mistake number four. 

#4 – Failure to Share Responsibilities Equally

Research suggests that when it comes to raising a family and all the work that is involved with caregiving, including all the domestic tasks that come with running a household and paying the bills, a large part of what couples end up doing is what I would call quite traditional. 

Historically, there have always been jobs that were predominately performed by women and others by men. 

In fact, in most species there is a difference between male and female tasks. Females have predominately been responsible for raising young, but around 1.5 to 1.8 million years ago, there was a shift towards cooperation in terms of mothers entrusting the care of their young onto others and we call this alloparenting. And this includes fathers. 

While both fathers and mothers in modern times are considered responsible for raising their children, we still see a clear divide between what we might call traditionally masculine or feminine roles or jobs. 

Traditional feminine jobs might include things like doing laundry, cooking meals, home decorating, and shopping for groceries whereas traditional masculine jobs might include things like home repairs, outdoor cleaning, lawn mowing, gardening and so on.

And so what we might expect to see is that when we become a parent we might end up taking on more feminine jobs if we identify as a mother or more masculine jobs if we identify as a father. 

But it’s interesting because we know from the research that there has been a broad cultural shift towards more egalitarian roles. Mothers are supposed to be able to take on more traditional male roles like work outside of the home more often and it is supposed to be more acceptable for men to take on more caregiving responsibilities. Yet what we actually see from the research is that women take on more of the housekeeping and caregiving work than men do. And women and men actually make a similar contribution to managing the family’s finances. In other words, there isn’t an equal division of tasks between mothers and fathers. Mothers are simply doing more. 

Now, I know that this may seem like an overgeneralisation and perhaps it is when you think of your own situation. But this is a consistent finding across many couples.

And the problem is if you are the one in your relationship that is doing the bulk of the domestic labour while still contributing to the family’s finances by working outside of the home, then I am going to guess that you are pretty tired. You may simply not have enough time or energy to look after yourself, let alone your partner’s needs. 

Not only can doing more lead you to be more tired but chances are over time, you may start feeling resentful or angry because you start to realise how the failure to share responsibilities is unfair.   

And remember what we said before most people are not very good at communicating their feelings so when you start feeling resentful or angry, you might start pulling away from your partner instead of leaning into those feelings and discussing them openly. And by pulling away, you naturally create more distance between you and your partner. 

And I don’t have to tell you that more distance between you and your partner and I mean that in an emotional or psychological sense, means that you and your partner will probably start feeling less satisfied in the relationship. 

You know as I am speaking right now, I am reminded of a funny commercial that I once saw when I was trying to learn Italian as an adult. 

This was before I had kids and I remember trying to immerse myself in the language by watching Italian movies, TV shows and even commercials. 

And I saw this really funny ad where essentially this really handsome man -the husband is doing all these chores, and his wife comes home and she looks around and she can see that he’s cooked dinner, he’s cleaned up and tidied up the house, I mean it basically looks spotless and he’s standing there ironing the clothes and the scene is quite funny because in that moment she is so enamoured with him and the fact that he has done all this domestic work, that she grabs him and takes him straight to the bedroom and she can’t take her hands off of him.

And I remember watching that ad for the first time and totally resonating with it. Like what a turn on that would be – to come home after a long day at work and have your partner there having done absolutely everything without you having to ask or lift a finger – like I could feel the attraction towards this man through the TV. 

Now, of course I am not suggesting that the way to your partner’s heart is to have all the chores done, because if it were that easy then you probably would have succeeded by now but what I do think it illustrates is that parenting is hard work – and it involves all members of the family doing their fair share.

And I am assuming you are listening to this because you are in a relationship, and you either already raising multiples with a partner or you will be very soon.

And if that’s true then you need to able to ask for help, not only from your partner but from others too

And that brings to the 5th mistake I see many parents of multiples make. 

#5 – Not Seeking Support

The best thing you can do for yourself, for your relationship and for your family is investing time and energy in enhancing your relationship. 

Why do I think this important?

I think when we are caught up in a situation where our mind might be jumping to conclusions, or we are making assumptions about what another person thinks or feels, or we don’t know how to tell someone how we are truly feeling or what we are really thinking then we run the risk of failing to see the situation from an objective perspective. 

It’s like we have blinders on, and we only take in a limited amount of information. 

We need to widen our range of vision so we can see beyond what our mind is telling us, and how we feel and more often than not, we simply can’t do that on our own. 

One of the biggest mistakes I see couples make is overestimating the strength of their bond and love for one another. 

I can honestly tell you that having multiples is a beautiful experience that will bring you and your partner so much joy, but it isn’t without challenges. 

Even the strongest, most attached couples can struggle when they bring their newborn babies home and they are sleep deprived, exhausted, overworked and depleted. 

Now I am not suggesting that your relationship is doomed or that problems will be inevitable, but what I am saying is that the sooner you and your partner invest time and energy into either maintaining your bond or strengthening it, then the better the chances are that you will continue to have a loving, satisfying relationship for years to come. 

We all know that it’s better to prevent problems before they arise, but most couples don’t do this. They don’t seek out support, especially from a professional, until something goes wrong. Until they are really unhappy and maybe even thinking of ending the relationship. But in my mind, that’s the biggest mistake a couple can make. 

Not seeking out information or support – not actively working on themselves and their relationship dynamic from the very beginning – basically, not being prepared for raising multiples and how that will affect their relationship – in my view that’s the biggest most easily avoidable mistake a couple can make. 

I strongly believe that no matter what stage you and your partner are at, you can enhance, improve and future-proof the quality of your relationship if you invest some time and energy into it.

If you are expecting multiples and you want to be fully prepared for the journey ahead, or if you or your partner are already parenting multiples and you are not 100% satisfied with your relationship right now then I invite you to check out my masterclass for couples with multiples. 

Head over to my website www.fiercekindmama.com and click on the Services page. There, you will find my workshop called Love Rekindled: “Baby-proofing” your Relationship with Multiples. I will put the link in the podcast show notes for you too. 

The masterclass was designed specifically for soon-to-be and current parents of multiples to help you maintain and/or strengthen the bond between you and your partner so that you can experience heightened satisfaction and fulfillment in your relationship as you address and resolve the underlying issues, leading to a happier and more harmonious family life. 

In this online workshop you will learn practical problem-solving skills that can help to overcome common relationship challenges after having multiples. You will learn clearer communication techniques to express your needs and desires better, that can help to foster a deeper understanding and connection with one another. You will learn ways to rediscover and reignite intimacy, bringing back the spark in your relationship. You will gain valuable insights into the dynamics of parenting multiples and how it influences your relationship, which can help you and your partner navigate challenges more effectively together. The support and guidance I offer in this masterclass is specifically tailored to the unique needs and challenges faced by parents of multiples like you. And the best part is you can do this highly affordable program from the comfort of your home at a time that suits you and your partner. You will also walk away with a lot of practical exercises for you and your partner to do together. 

If you want to walk away with a strengthened partnership, equipped with the tools and strategies needed to navigate the complexities of parenting multiples together, then I suggest you take a look at my masterclass. As I said before, the link is available in the podcast show notes for you. In the meantime, if you have any questions or feedback, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

I hope you enjoyed today’s episode and that you found something useful to take away and reflect on. 

Thank you so much for being here. Bye for now. 

Thanks for listening to today's episode. If you like what you've heard, then please follow and leave a review so that other expectant and current parents of multiples like yourself can find this podcast and the valuable information it contains. I'd be so very grateful if you left a review and shared this with anyone you think could benefit from listening. 

If you have a particular topic you'd like me to cover on this podcast, feel free to reach out to me via my website fiercekindmama.com.

New episodes are released every second Wednesday, so we’ll see you back here real soon. 

Any advice and information on this podcast is general only and has been prepared without taking into account your particular circumstances and needs for tailored, individualised advice, please consult with a qualified professional.