Self-Nurturing for Parents of Twins, Triplets or More: Why ‘Me Time’ Isn’t Enough

What if the secret to feeling better as a parent isn’t about squeezing in “me time” or crossing more off your to-do list? In this episode, we unravel a truth about parenting multiples that no one talks about—but every mother (or father) feels deep down. You’ll hear a story that may feel all too familiar and discover why the advice you’ve been given to manage guilt, stress, and overwhelm might be missing the mark. If you’ve ever thought, “I’m failing at this,” or wondered, “Why isn’t this getting any easier?” this conversation is for you.

If you're ready to break free from guilt, frustration and/or overwhelm and step into a calmer, more connected version of yourself, join the waitlist for the Fierce Kind Mama Online Community where you can find more information about how I can assist you with parenting multiples: https://fiercekindmama.com/waitlist

Thanks for listening! If you are a soon-to-be or current parent of multiples, be sure to head over to my website http://www.fiercekindmama.com to get my FREE resources designed specifically for you!

Be sure to follow me on Instagram and Facebook too.

Credits:
Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/aylex/with-you
License code: YLMJTQCPKRANEOVB

Transcript

Self-Nurturing for Parents of Twins, Triplets or More: Why ‘Me Time’ Isn’t Enough

Dr Cristina Cavezza

Welcome to the Fierce Kind Mama of Multiples podcast. This podcast is for anyone raising multiples, twins, triplets or more. I speak to inspiring parents of multiples who have healed from unexpected pregnancies and birthing experiences and who candidly share the highs and lows of raising multiples.

I also speak to the professionals that work with multiple birth families.

Together we cover the practicalities of raising more than one baby at a time, as well as enhancing the emotional wellbeing of caregivers and children alike.

Come join us as we laugh, cry and share our personal and professional wisdom on all things multiples. I'm your host Dr Cristina Cavezza, and I am a Fierce Kind Mama of Multiples.

Welcome to another episode of the Fierce Kind Mama of Multiples Podcast. I am your host, Dr Cristina Cavezza, and I am super excited that you are here tuning in to this episode. The inspiration for today’s episode comes from conversations I have had with countless parents – not only parents of multiples – but also parents of singletons. And one consistent theme that I hear time and time again mainly from mothers, but fathers can certainly express these feelings too and a question that I often hear parents of multiples especially grappling with is: how do I deal with the unrelenting demands of caregiving? How do I find the time to do something for myself?

Now whether you are in the newborn phase, or your multiples are older, you can probably resonate with feeling like you have no time to just relax, to do something completely on your own. I mean I don’t know about you, but I still can’t even go to the toilet without little people needing me and my children are now school age. 

I often see or hear from two types of people – those that struggled to manage their time before having kids and then when they had multiples they became really overwhelmed or those that were so super organised and on top of all the things and then when they had multiples they became really overwhelmed. So, why might that be? Well, I think it kind of makes sense to most of us that the first type of person – someone who has never really been super organised or prepared – we can kind of see that they may be more susceptible to becoming overwhelmed when they all of a sudden have more than one baby to care for. 

But it might be more puzzling to us as to why the second type of person -the one who has always been on top of things – why do they too tend to struggle managing their time?

For the second type of person, they are used to being in control and overseeing their own daily activities. They are used to having order and routine. They might be the type of person who never arrives late and achieves lots of things in their personal and professional life.

Once the babies arrive though and you bring them home, if you are that type of person who was super organised and tidy, you quickly realise that it becomes really, really hard to keep on top of everything even when you have the best intentions. And what I see many people do is rather than accept that they have to make some changes whether that be accepting some level of mess or disorganization, or accepting that for a time they may not be able to do all the things they used to do before kids -  they either try really, really hard to get everything done – all the caregiving tasks as well as working and/or doing their personal hobbies-  and then what ends up happening is that they experience some degree of physical and/or emotional burnout because they are simply doing too much. Or they give up trying to do anything for themselves and instead focus 100% of their time and energy on caregiving. But my question to that is at what cost? What does it cost you if you are always sacrificing your own needs and desires?

Now if you are listening to this and you have newborn babies or you think you need some basic tips on streamlining your life so that it is a bit more manageable and this applies even if your children are a bit older, then be sure to check out some earlier episodes I did this season. Episode 4 is about efficient household and parenting hacks, and Episode 6 is about mastering feeding time with newborn babies. 

And if you listened to the episode on practical tips for feeding newborn multiples to help make it more efficient and less stressful, I briefly spoke about being mindful of your own needs and I asked you if you wanted to hear more about how to nurture yourself particularly in the early years of parenting. And the feedback that I got from many of you listening was yes, this is an issue for you and something that you struggle with. You wanted to know how you could keep some level of self-care while simultaneously being very, very busy raising your children. 

Because I have heard this same issue from many parents, it seemed timely to tackle it head on and offer you some practical suggestions about how to care for yourself while you are caring for others. 

But before we get into today’s content, I want to remind you if you are currently expecting multiples, firstly, congratulations and welcome to the wonderful world of raising twins, triplets or more. Secondly, have you checked out my free guide specifically for pregnant mamas of multiples like you? If not, head over to my website, click on the free resources tab and there you will find my Expecting Multiples 101 Guide to help you prepare practically for the amazing journey ahead. 

Also, I have a very important announcement that I’d like to make. As you would know, I created this podcast to help other parents like you. I’ve been creating this podcast for almost 2 years, and I’ve loved interviewing my amazing guests and creating content for you. I’ve loved hearing from you and getting your feedback. This podcast has been a labour of love and in some ways, this podcast is like giving birth and becoming a parent for the first time. I see this podcast as more than a project – it’s been a real passion of mine for so long. But sadly, I need to direct my time and energy on other projects. So, it is with a sad heart that I tell you that today’s episode will be our last. I will be taking an extended break from podcasting, and it is my sincere hope that I can come back here and have these discussions with you some time again in the future. If you want the journey to continue then please hang on until the end, because I will briefly mention how you can keep in contact with me and continue to receive expert guidance.  

Now let’s dive into today’s content. 

The first thing I want to say is I want to acknowledge the real struggles that many of you are facing right now. I know from both personal and professional experience that parenting multiples in the early years can be hard. 

Many parents report that they struggle with a range of issues, including lack of sleep, the constant care demands, feeling stretched thin. 

You might even at times feel like you are running on empty, physically, emotionally and mentally. 

And I haven’t even touched on the financial or relationship stressors that are also more common in multiple-birth families. That reminds me if you are raising multiples in a partnership, or you and your partner are expecting multiples then you might like to check out my earlier episode this season on the 5 biggest mistakes that I see couples with multiples make. 

But for now, it’s important to acknowledge and vocalise the real challenges we face as parents of twins, triplets or more so that we can make changes. 

You know I meet a lot of people through my work and one thing that I see time and time again is that people who do well – that is, people who manage to achieve an overall level of contentment and satisfaction with their life – they tend to be people who do more than complain. 

Yes, initially they may identify a problem but then they take action.

So, if their life is unsatisfactory, if something doesn’t feel good to them, they spend time acknowledging the struggle and speaking about it with friends, family or even professionals but eventually if they want to feel better, they come to a realisation that something has to change. 

They need to change some aspect of their behaviour or life in order to feel better.

I want to share a story with you about someone who thought they were too old to change. This story isn’t about parenting by the way but it parallels a lot about what I intend to say about self-nurturing or self-care. Ok so going back to the story of this person who thought they were too old. They had reached a point in their life where they were approaching retirement and they were so unhappy at their job like, it was really evident even in the way they approached their work. 

They were practically taking up space at work and not contributing in any meaningful way but at the same time they were doing enough – the bare minimum – to hang onto to their position until retirement. 

The real problem was that this person’s attitude was affecting others. It wasn’t fun being around this person because they would constantly complain about work, yet they weren’t proactive in doing anything to fix any of the issues. And to be fair to this person, a lot of what they were complaining about was well beyond their control. The workplace wasn’t great. There were real issues there and on pen and paper yes, this person’s complaints were 100% justified. 

But instead of choosing a different path, in this case, this person was highly qualified – there wasn’t really anything holding them back from at the very least looking for another job – one that might suit them better but every time the topic of change was mentioned, this person kept coming up with obstacles – I am too old. I have a huge mortgage. There’s no point in changing jobs now. 

What I want you to notice here is that the obstacles this person kept coming up against was really their own thoughts – their mindset – the way they were viewing the problem and the potential solutions.

And I get it – it’s often easier to stay put – to seek comfort in the familiar even when the familiar isn’t good for us. 

Now I mention this person because I think sometimes the temptation as a parent of multiples is to fall into the trap of complaining about the challenges and not taking action because the obstacles in our way seem so great. I want to highlight here that there is a difference between acknowledging the real struggles we face and simply complaining about them. 

The former – so that’s acknowledging the challenges – I think is about educating ourselves and others about what’s it’s like to be a parent of multiples while simultaneously effecting change. In other words, it’s hard to uncover solutions to a problem when the problem isn’t clearly identified or articulated. And that’s why I am here to acknowledge your hard work – your pain – your struggle because I know it’s real – I’ve been there, and I am there now even though the challenges have changed. 

The latter option – so that’s simply complaining about how hard being a parent of multiples is – I liken this to the example of the disgruntled worker I gave earlier who let every perceived obstacle get in their way of living a better life and ultimately, of being happier. 

I hope that you can already see from this discussion why self-nurturing is important even when you are too busy or burnt out. 

In case it isn’t crystal clear, your ability to care for your children, to care for your relationship with your partner (if you have one), your ability to work effectively outside of the home (if you have a paid job), your ability to show up as the parent, partner, friend, employee that you want to be is directly associated with how well you care for yourself. 

I want to share another quick story here of a mother. This particular mother is the amalgamation of a bunch of people that I’ve met over the years. In other words, I am not directly referring to an individual person I’ve known or worked with, I am referring to a concept – let’s call her the Perfect Mother. 

This is someone who spends all her time caring for others, including her children. She is really good at soothing, nurturing and caring for others, making sure everyone else’s needs are met. And she does this so much that if she isn’t caring for someone else, she feels like something is missing – she feels guilty or bad about herself. 

If someone suggests that she sit down and relax or go for a walk on her own, or do anything for her own enjoyment, she brushes it off and says she’s fine, she has everything she needs. But the reality is that if she stops and simply relaxes or does something entirely for herself, not for her children, partner or family, she feels bad. She isn’t 100% satisfied with her life; she just doesn’t want to admit that. Admitting that she desires more than being a mother makes her feel like there is something wrong with her. 

But you and I know that that isn’t true. Yet, I would bet that both you and I have felt similarly at some point in our journey of being a parent. 

So today, you have permission to nurture yourself and not think about it as a selfish act – rather I want you to think about it as an investment in your long-term health and happiness. 

My promise to you today is to share some tips, mindset shifts, and strategies for self-nurturing that fit into a busy, hectic life. 

#1 Understanding Self-Nurturing as a Parent of Multiples

First up, let’s talk about what does it really mean to nurture yourself when you’re constantly caring for others. 

When I speak about self-care, I am not talking about having 30 minutes to yourself to go to the supermarket and pick up essentials and I’m not even talking about having time to get your hair or nails done, if you are into that kind of thing. 

I am talking about many dimensions of wellbeing.  Let’s start with emotional wellness. I like the definition by the National Institutes of Health that defines emotional wellness as “the ability to successfully handle life’s stresses and adapt to change and difficult times.”

Then we’ve got our physical wellness, and this can encompass how well we feel in our body, how well we look after our body in terms of nutrition and exercise, as well as disease prevention.

Another dimension is occupational wellness, and this pertains to our personal satisfaction with our job or career. I like to include parenting satisfaction in this domain.

Then we’ve got social wellbeing, and this encompasses how healthy our social relationships and connections are.

Another aspect of wellbeing is spiritual wellness. This doesn’t have to be aligned with a particular religion, and it may or may not include a belief in a higher power. I like to think of it as having a sense of purpose and meaning in life.

This next one I believe is often overlooked but is super important and that’s your intellectual wellbeing. This is about engaging in activities that stimulate your cognitive faculties and includes activities that are thought-provoking or mentally stimulating. 

Another dimension of wellbeing that I think is topical but again maybe not at the forefront of everyone’s minds is environmental wellbeing. Environmental wellness is about doing activities and engaging in behaviours that not only make you feel better but also contribute to environmental preservation. This might be buying eco-friendly products, recycling, making deliberate choices to conserve energy, fuel and water just to name a few. 

And lastly, with cost-of-living pressures being a big focus in recent times, we can’t forget about our financial wellbeing. Financial wellness might encompass managing your expenses and planning financially for the future. 

Now what I tend to see is when we get busy caring for our kids, we start to neglect one or more of these dimensions of wellbeing. 

I am going to pause here for a moment and ask you to reflect on a couple questions. 

Here’s the first. 

Do you spend enough time attending to each of these 8 domains?

If not, what gets in the way?

Common obstacles I hear from parents like yourself is “I feel guilty taking time for myself.” “I am so busy caring for the kids, there is not enough time in the day to get everything done.” “I am so stressed from everything that is already on my plate, I don’t even know where to begin.”

If any of that resonates with you, then you are in the right place because I know firsthand how challenging it is to care for multiple babies especially in those early years and I specialise in helping parents like you find more enjoyment in your life despite the challenges. 

#2 The Early Years—Why They’re So Challenging for Parents of Multiples

So, why are the early years so challenging for many parents of multiples?

Essentially, the demands of caring for multiples can easily affect your wellbeing due to a constant cycle of feeding, diapering, and soothing coupled with a lack of sleep especially in those early months and for some of us, the lack of sleep continues for years. 

This can have an emotional toll on us as parents. It can deplete your mental and emotional energy. The buildup of stress can lead to irritability, overwhelm and even burnout. And all of this has a ripple effect on your relationships, including the one with your partner if you have one and your 

children. 

So, what are you supposed to do to nurture yourself?

I want us to go back to those 8 domains of wellbeing and ask yourself this question: what area of my wellbeing am I neglecting most? Or which area of wellbeing is most important to me?

Then consider how you can make small, bite-sized changes to increase your wellness on that domain. 

Hi there Fierce Kind Mama

Sorry to interrupt the discussion but I have something to share with you that I know you are going to love.

We are often told that parenting can be hard. 

And whether you are soon-to-be or current parent of multiples, there is going to come a time when you will probably feel stressed, overwhelmed, or even worried about the future.

That’s why I’ve developed a free guide for parents just like you with my 5 top tips for handling stress and overwhelm.  

You can download it now from my website www.fiercekindmama.com

So, let’s say I am working with a mother who comes to me because she’s feeling stressed, and she says to me I want strategies to feel better. 

And when we drill down a little deeper, I find out that she wasn’t entirely thrilled at the news that she was expecting multiples. It had been a long journey for her to fall pregnant. And while she wanted to become a mother, she didn’t wish or anticipate falling pregnant with more than one baby.  Now that her babies are here, she can’t imagine life without them, but she feels isolated and a bit bored with staying at home looking after the children. So, she decides to go back to work part-time a bit earlier than she had originally planned thinking that might make her feel better. Once she is back to work, she finds juggling her job with the care of her children stressful. When she is at work, she can’t stop thinking about her kids and how they are adjusting at childcare. She feels some guilt at leaving them at childcare particularly when they constantly get sick. And when she is at home with the kids on her days off from work, she doesn’t enjoy her time with the kids because they seem so unsettled and overtired from being in childcare and she is so busy trying to prep everything for her working days. She feels like she is doing neither job – that is her paid job nor her job as a mother – very well. 

Sound familiar?

If this were you, what would you do to feel better?

Now, I could have told this mother to spend even just 5 minutes a day enjoying a hot cup of coffee or tea without multitasking. 

I could have told her to do some regular exercise while her babies were asleep. 

I could have told her to pay for a babysitter occasionally and have a spa day or enjoy some other indulgent activity that she didn’t get to do very often. 

I could have told her that asking for help is essential – that it doesn’t mean she is failing as a mother. 

But I want you to think about this for a minute and ask yourself what’s the real problem here. Is it that she simply needs more time to herself or is there a deeper issue at play here?

The reality is that this story is far too common. 

This is the picture of the modern mother – you - who feels pulled to be everything to everyone and to do it all with a smile on your face and without complaint – a mother who is constrained by the pressures of living within a patriarchal system that demands you simply do more.  

But the problem is that you’ve tried that already. You’ve tried doing more and fitting it all in and you haven’t succeeded. 

And I’ll you why. 

You haven’t succeeded because you are meant to. The patriarchal notion of motherhood is an unattainable target designed to keep you in a vicious cycle of doing more and feeling bad about yourself for failing to keep up with the demands. 

But I’m here to tell you that it is possible to nurture yourself while taking care of multiples and it involves something you may not have considered before – actively resisting the notion of patriarchal motherhood. 

Many people will try and make you believe that nurturing yourself is important for your relationships with your partner and with your children. And yes, I absolutely agree that you will look after others better when you also take care of your own needs. 

But I want to make it clear that the goal here is not about being a better mother, wife or partner, it’s about being a strong advocate for yourself so that you can be one for others, including your children.  

You may not know how to do that just yet and that’s understandable. 

You have been conditioned to accept that this is just what motherhood and parenting multiples is supposed to be like. 

I can’t tell you how many times I hear parents of young multiples say something like “it will get easier once the kids are older.”

But I am going to suggest that time alone is insufficient. 

I don’t believe it gets easier when the kids are older unless you are actively doing something to change the way you look after yourself and your family. 

Remember what we discussed earlier? It’s often easier to go with the status quo rather than actively resist it. 

But I am going to suggest that the key lies in your ability to live a life in accordance with your own personal values, not societal expectations and that requires you to make a choice. 

To actively choose self-nurturing that goes well beyond a spa day or some time away from the kids. 

What I am talking about here is basically being able to release anger, guilt and any other negative emotion that stems from feeling pulled in all the directions as a mother or parent of multiples. 

It’s about being able to release those emotions in a healthy way and to accept that sometimes those emotions are worth paying attention to rather than burying away. 

It’s about understanding why and when those emotions come up and what to do about them. 

That is emotional resilience, and you owe it to yourself, and to your family, to work through those emotions. 

It doesn’t make you a bad person for feeling this way. In fact, when you speak to other parents who are honest about their emotional experiences, you quickly discover this is a universal issue. 

And it’s one I feel very strongly about. 

To nurture ourselves as parents of multiples, we need to be willing to address the emotional experiences that come with parenting, particularly when most of us are parenting in a patriarchal society where our needs as women and as mothers are often secondary to others. 

If you’ve been listening to my podcast for a while or you’ve heard me speak on other podcasts then you will know that my mission is to help parents effectively deal with the demands of raising multiples so that they feel calmer, and more connected to their children. 

We all know that one powerful way our children learn is through modelling. If we want our children to grow up to be emotionally resilient and to feel empowered, then we need to show them how that’s possible. 

When you as a mother or father are better equipped to deal with stress, when you can demonstrate more patience and compassion, both for yourself and for others, when you are not overwhelmed by the day-to-day pressures of life, then you are naturally more available and in tune to connect with your children. You can be more present and simply enjoy your parenting experience. 

These are the skills that I enjoy helping parents like you develop. 

And to me that is the key to self-nurturing while raising multiples.

Being aware of your body, your emotions and your thoughts… knowing what triggers negative or painful bodily sensations, thoughts or feelings…knowing how to bring your body and mind back to a state of calm and relaxation even when you are sleep deprived, stressed and overwhelmed… understanding from a broader perspective the factors that make it more likely as a parent of multiples to experience burnout, fatigue and negative emotions, like anger…being able to let go of societal pressures and expectations that do nothing more than make you feel bad about yourself…all of this and more is what I define as self-nurturing. 

And all of this is exactly what I help parents of multiples like you learn to do. 

Alright we are nearing the end of our final episode but rather than this being the end, I’d like to be just the beginning. 

If you are interested in being a part of a community of fierce, kind mamas of multiples who want to learn specific tools and strategies for parenting multiples with confidence and ease then listen carefully because I have an opportunity for you that is ending very soon. If you want to learn ways of managing stress so you are emotionally prepared for any parenting challenge you encounter, if you want to learn how to raise emotionally resilient children by learning how to regulate your own emotions so you end up feeling less frustrated and yelling a lot less, if you want to receive expert guidance to help create a harmonious and balanced life while raising multiples then I invite you to join the waitlist for the Fierce Kind Mama Online Community for Parents of Multiples. This community is unlike any other you will find online. Firstly, it’s specific for parents of multiples like you and second, unlike other many community groups, this group will be expert-led and focused on empowered parenting of multiples where your needs matter just as much as your kids. 

So, if you are interested in hearing more, head over to www.fiercekindmama.com/waitlist and pop down your details. This link will only be available until the 10th of December, 2024. 

I do hope to see you there. If I don’t hear from you, I wish you all the very best on your parenting journey. 

Thank you so much for being here. Bye for now. 

Thanks for listening to today's episode. If you like what you've heard, then please follow and leave a review so that other expectant and current parents of multiples like yourself can find this podcast and the valuable information it contains. I'd be so very grateful if you left a review and shared this with anyone you think could benefit from listening. 

If you have a particular topic you'd like me to cover on this podcast, feel free to reach out to me via my website fiercekindmama.com.

New episodes are released every second Wednesday, so we’ll see you back here real soon. 

Any advice and information on this podcast is general only and has been prepared without taking into account your particular circumstances and needs for tailored, individualised advice, please consult with a qualified professional.